My computer decided to crash, so this is a different blog account. It has been to long since I have been able to write, any writing I have been doing has been for my college papers. I have been doing great in college, I have at least 90s in all my classes and am very proud of myself.
I’m loving it here and the people I have met. Brandon Harper is my best NY friend. Helping him in sociology has turned out to be a great friendship, he makes me look at life in a totally different way. I do miss my MN friends and have started the count down at 36 days until I can see them again.
My struggles.. Oh I hate that word. Struggles. I’m less sad to be away from family and can appreciate being here much more, but I still feel I’m missing something here. Like there is something I should be doing that I’m not doing, but I just cant figure that out.
I have been getting set on simple and meaningless things lately, like this cat at pet smart names Cirrus. She is beautiful, fluffy, orange and more importantly not mine, nor will she ever be mine. I cried because I couldn’t have her. I visited her everyday for a week and on that 7th day I realized Rian wasn’t going to let me get her, so I cried and left. I haven’t gone back since that day.
I really doubt that I cried because I couldn’t have her, but then why was I crying? I don’t know, and I don’t have a point to this story. Maybe I’m trying to point out that when I struggle with something I find something else to be sad about, or something else I can struggle with instead of dealing with the real struggles I have.
I want to volunteer, and make a difference. I wanted to at pet smart until I met Cirrus, then I knew I couldn’t because then I would hold her and want her more, but I can’t have her. I hate thinking about what I can’t have because it makes me want to work harder to have them knowing that I could possibly have them, but I shouldn’t even want them.
I still try to be honest in my blog.. So I will say I don’t have a good relationship with someone who I would love to get to know. I used to look up to them, and they were my role model and one day they started to be different. Remembering them how I did when I was 10 wasn’t working anymore. She had began to be someone I didn’t know. I have come to realize I will probably never know her and I guess I am okay with that.
11/14/13.. Today, I realized I lost two people on the same day, different year, 11/10/13 and 11/10/10. I lost my best friend and my great grandmother. So today was a sad day, and I thought about both of them today. I will always wonder if I would have kept talking to him if he wouldn’t have started to fill his veins with heroin again and maybe he would still be alive. Right now I wanted to delete all of the paragraphs above and only write about him, but I didn’t even have the chance to learn enough about him. His favorite color is green, he loved music (the kind I hated and he always made me listen to it) his middle name started with an S, he always beat me in cards, he loved playing Frisbee, he worked at a chocolate factory, and I was in love with him. We talked everyday, and all night.
I cant talk about that anymore. Not right now.
That is my struggle.
